bokatee means normal.

I went for a run tonight. Normal, right? Turns out this run was in the pitch dark in this massive spread of fields about a stone's throw away from my dorm. I ran past palm trees and these wonderful smelling flowers and I ran on gravel and I stumbled and I just kept going. And I know it sounds cheesy, but I couldn't help feeling like this run was a strange metaphor for my experience here so far. I ran into the dark and it felt strange, but it's turning normal. I've stumbled, but I kept going. For the first portion of my time here, I felt like my emotions were guitar strings that just kept vibrating at this insane rate, but now everything is just... settling. It's given me hope that no matter where I end up after I graduate, no matter how different or foreign or lonely it feels at first, normalcy will return and I will feel at home in my new space. The people that I've met here.... BAHHH I don't even know how to express how much I love them. They're changing my life one conversation at a time and I'm learning more about myself than I even knew was possible.

But just in case you thought otherwise, none of the above means I have forgotten about my beloved home-and for me home will always mean both St. Louis and Texas, they are inextricably linked for me. The giant TCU flag above my bed, pictures of friends and family, even my Flintstones Sour Gummies made the trek to Thailand. I snapped a few pics of my room tonight just for grins... Note the "Don't Mess with Texas" postcard above my desk. Casual.

I'm still processing from our past two units of Land and Food, each with a six day homestay that rocked my world, but I can share this and promise more updates on those later... The Hunger Games turned me into a reader (READ IT IF YOU HAVEN'T) and last week I finished reading "Teacher Man" by Frank McCourt of "Angela's Ashes" fame. This quote stuck out to me and wouldn't leave my brain...

"You do not have to respond to every stimulus in the universe. You are not a weather vane."

If I had to sum up the biggest lessons I've been learning about myself while here, I would just recite this quote. I've learned I am a person who tends to get passionate about whatever I am involved in, but also it's okay if I'm not. It's okay if after every unit I don't feel this overwhelming passion for that topic. I feel strongly about education and that is a passion of mine that I hope to pursue after college. I can't, and shouldn't feel that I have to, do everything. When I'm in a weird mood or things are not going well that day or a room isn't clean, I don't always have to react to those things either. Being mad is a choice, and I can choose my reactions. I'm more consciously in control of my decisions and actions than I ever even realized! There is a saying here in Thailand of "Sabai, sabai" which means "Fine, fine." It's okay to be relaxed, and it's okay to live and learn and realize what you're passionate about and what you're not. When the program interns had an interest meeting tonight, I didn't go. I absolutely LOVE being here and this experience has changed my life, but I don't want to come back for a year after college and do it again. And that's fine. I will be more effective as a human and as a friend if I don't feel this constant need to please everyone and take on every responsibility for myself. Because frankly, there are lots of other people who are better at lots of other things than I am. And that's "sabai, sabai".

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman